Fields of Asphodel

my back is being a bitca again dammit! 

twas getting better again, i was getting more mobile, able to dance a little even. 

but now it appears to be on the downward spiral, dangnabbit!  I've been in really bad pain since Monday night, and had to leave work early yesterday, and only lasted 2 hours at work today. 

i hope it holds out for work tomorrow.

today was an interesting one.

began with disappointment that i was so bloody zonked i couldnt go out last night.

continues with phoning the grandmother to wish her a happy mothers day followed by the agony of waiting  by the phone for a guy to call, not sure if he would (goddess i hate that!)

progressed to the joys of Brisvegas public transport, which admittedly was non-painful this morning. 

had an enjoyable lunch with the family, then went to the museum.

museum was both heart-wrenching and educational. twas also when i got the text saying the planned meeting with aforementioned guy came, saying he couldnt meet me. Kinda bummed,  but ya get over it.

then i had to fight the ruddy public transport again, and boy what a drama that was. First, the bus i was going to catch originally never came cuz there was a ruddy football game (which the locals lost anyways). So i traipsed across the city to the other bus stop, only to learn that it wasnt scheduled to stop there anymore. So I walked another half an hour to go to the correct bus stop, stopping to buy a bottle of numy red wine along the way, and caught the bus, which luckily arrived less than 2 minutes after i got to the stop (woohoo)! Then, again cuz of the bloody football, a 20 minute journey too 50 minutes to get home. 

Needless to say, i was bloody happy to finally get home. 

then came the major confusion. whilst chatting to again aforementioned boy on net, he tells me he dont want a relationship with me, which i give him kudos for being honest about. Doesnt change the fact that i kinda like him, even though i know a relationship tween us could be hazardous (long story im so not going into right now). Also doesnt change the outrageous flirting, and the next thing I know, Im racing round my house, tidying it up cuz he's in a taxi on the way over to mine. 

So he arrives and tis awkward at first then tis all good, then tis over and hes gone, and now i dont know what to think, or do or how to act, or whatever, and im feeling kinda empty.

what kinda gets me is that yes i know it was merely flirting, but surely we were getting along alright, and there was more to it than that. And again, yes i know us getting involved may cause interesting times for out mates/family members, but grr! im sorry if i think that maybe sometimes a chance at love is worth a little awkwardness. maybe im just being a hopeless romantic, or maybe im being unrealistic and selfish, but hey - thems my thorts. 

im again back to pondering the conundrum of whether tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. Im not saying twas love, but maybe it could have been, given the chance. 

see - this is why ive been single for so long....this whole relationship thing leaves all kinds of icky feelings and questions. and im not even getting a relationship outta it!

at least i should be able to sleep tonight. 

Gosh dang you body!

My head and heart are willing, but the bloody lump of a bod just cant!

DAMMIT!!!!

I want to move on the flirtation!!!!!